3.31.2007
fragile.
on an online dictionary it is described as anything that can be easily shattered or something delicate. on the other end of the spectrum, it is described as something lacking substance or flimsy even.
it is an interesting range to see. on one end you have something like an eggshell, so pure in sight and gentle to touch that it seems if you even say the word you may break the eggshell. on the other end, its critical. its weak in effect. a less desirable fragile. even so, saying "fragile" in both circumstances carries this huge weight, a gravitational field of its own.
i am fragile, whether i want to be or not. whether you choose to see it in me or not. whether i show it or not. i feel like words and actions affect me more than they used to and that is either a sign of me growing up or my fragility becoming more prominent. it is a deterioration of passion and excitement for certain things. i watch it crumble, helpless to the pieces that scatter away. i don't know what is right any more because it feels like each thing i do or say is wrong.
it is just a phase.
everyone goes through it.
you are just bored.
get over yourself.
on an online dictionary it is described as anything that can be easily shattered or something delicate. on the other end of the spectrum, it is described as something lacking substance or flimsy even.
it is an interesting range to see. on one end you have something like an eggshell, so pure in sight and gentle to touch that it seems if you even say the word you may break the eggshell. on the other end, its critical. its weak in effect. a less desirable fragile. even so, saying "fragile" in both circumstances carries this huge weight, a gravitational field of its own.
i am fragile, whether i want to be or not. whether you choose to see it in me or not. whether i show it or not. i feel like words and actions affect me more than they used to and that is either a sign of me growing up or my fragility becoming more prominent. it is a deterioration of passion and excitement for certain things. i watch it crumble, helpless to the pieces that scatter away. i don't know what is right any more because it feels like each thing i do or say is wrong.
it is just a phase.
everyone goes through it.
you are just bored.
get over yourself.
3.26.2007
do you know one of the greatest sounds in the world? the flipping and flopping of sandals. its a promising sound. spring is on the way, warmth is anticipated. or, if you are conditioned as i am and live in a dorm, it means you are going to be or have just become clean. no matter how you look at it, flip flops flip flopping is a sweet melody.
lately i have been over-accepting of distractions. what i really need is to focus and sort things out. but when a new thought comes around, i embrace it and turn some of my attention towards it, while keeping some attention on what i "should" be doing. for instance, i need to study econ. but, i am extremely excited for pirates 3 to come out so i put pirates 1 in to watch while i study. and now, i have decided i need to blog so i have my econ book poised on the couch, johnny depp wandering into a mass of ex-crewmen, and my wonderful lappy glowing in front of me. and now i look to the side and contemplate re-reading a bloc party article that was simply marvelous.
welcome to the past 2 months of my life.
the problem is, my focus is being stretched waaaaaaay too thin. my mind is spinning and i can't reach a conclusion to save my life. i have been wondering so much about people (what they are doing, what they are thinking, what they are saying), schools (what i should be paying attention to, how significant distance is), music (what i really feel like listening to, why i can't retain info about it better), and numerous other things.
so...what now?
lately i have been over-accepting of distractions. what i really need is to focus and sort things out. but when a new thought comes around, i embrace it and turn some of my attention towards it, while keeping some attention on what i "should" be doing. for instance, i need to study econ. but, i am extremely excited for pirates 3 to come out so i put pirates 1 in to watch while i study. and now, i have decided i need to blog so i have my econ book poised on the couch, johnny depp wandering into a mass of ex-crewmen, and my wonderful lappy glowing in front of me. and now i look to the side and contemplate re-reading a bloc party article that was simply marvelous.
welcome to the past 2 months of my life.
the problem is, my focus is being stretched waaaaaaay too thin. my mind is spinning and i can't reach a conclusion to save my life. i have been wondering so much about people (what they are doing, what they are thinking, what they are saying), schools (what i should be paying attention to, how significant distance is), music (what i really feel like listening to, why i can't retain info about it better), and numerous other things.
so...what now?
3.15.2007
i don't know how to start this blog. and ironically, i just did.
i have been a self-proclaimed mess for the past month. the giant "piss off" sign stamped on my forehead sears itself deeper and deeper into my skin. my veins feel as though the blood has achieved the density of lead, but i still bleed easily. and the heaviness and emptiness i feel are only two of the emotions that juxtapose one another. i shouldn't be feeling so many things at once. its overwhelming and makes it very difficult to sort myself out.
perhaps i have been searching for answers in all the wrong places. i look in my black coffee every morning and see my reflection. it never changes. but i look and drink anyways, because i think that it makes me feel better. i enjoy coffee too much to get rid of it, but i don't think it holds any answers for me. unfortunately. but what the hell, i'll just keep drinking it anyways. bring on the caffiene!
i have never wanted to leave somewhere so badly. i have never felt so much anger towards a place in my life. well, maybe almost never. elementary school was awful, but this is a different, hopefully more mature anger. i am so sick of here. i won't elaborate much, in fear of saying something i may regret. but my censors have sort of turned off lately, and i have been saying and showing how genuinely mad and confused i am.
i want answers. i want answers so much that it hurts.
i have been a self-proclaimed mess for the past month. the giant "piss off" sign stamped on my forehead sears itself deeper and deeper into my skin. my veins feel as though the blood has achieved the density of lead, but i still bleed easily. and the heaviness and emptiness i feel are only two of the emotions that juxtapose one another. i shouldn't be feeling so many things at once. its overwhelming and makes it very difficult to sort myself out.
perhaps i have been searching for answers in all the wrong places. i look in my black coffee every morning and see my reflection. it never changes. but i look and drink anyways, because i think that it makes me feel better. i enjoy coffee too much to get rid of it, but i don't think it holds any answers for me. unfortunately. but what the hell, i'll just keep drinking it anyways. bring on the caffiene!
i have never wanted to leave somewhere so badly. i have never felt so much anger towards a place in my life. well, maybe almost never. elementary school was awful, but this is a different, hopefully more mature anger. i am so sick of here. i won't elaborate much, in fear of saying something i may regret. but my censors have sort of turned off lately, and i have been saying and showing how genuinely mad and confused i am.
i want answers. i want answers so much that it hurts.
