5.01.2007
my focus is sheer. it isn't even a tangible concept any more. it is so transparent i can see into the next thousand things i need to think about in my life (there would be no hope of making accenting a dress with this fabric, although, it can swirl and twirl and shrink and paint the sky when the wind catches it). i can hardly think of the words to write. it has taken me about 10 minutes to produce this paragraph.
i'm fighting a few battles right now, but one of the biggest battles is my battle with words. i don't know what to say anymore or how to express myself. the casualties of this battle bleed onto other battle fields. i have to write a paper....speak in italian....tell people what is going on....read economics tests...order my turkeywrapnocheeselettucetomatohoneymustdard and i'll take skim milk and fruit for sides. i used to have a good relationship with words and language. it turns out to be tougher for me than i thought. that seems to be the trend in my life right now. things are hard. and i'm discouraged. and disappointment floods my thoughts faster than rain water floods campus.
i want to sit in a caribou coffee, sip my black coffee, eat my reduced fat mountain berry muffin, read "chuck klosterman iv" and "the fountainhead" at my own leisure, and enjoy life. without feeling guilt. and why shouldn't i? why can't i?
i'm struggling to find purpose in myself/the things i enjoy.
i'm fighting a few battles right now, but one of the biggest battles is my battle with words. i don't know what to say anymore or how to express myself. the casualties of this battle bleed onto other battle fields. i have to write a paper....speak in italian....tell people what is going on....read economics tests...order my turkeywrapnocheeselettucetomatohoneymustdard and i'll take skim milk and fruit for sides. i used to have a good relationship with words and language. it turns out to be tougher for me than i thought. that seems to be the trend in my life right now. things are hard. and i'm discouraged. and disappointment floods my thoughts faster than rain water floods campus.
i want to sit in a caribou coffee, sip my black coffee, eat my reduced fat mountain berry muffin, read "chuck klosterman iv" and "the fountainhead" at my own leisure, and enjoy life. without feeling guilt. and why shouldn't i? why can't i?
i'm struggling to find purpose in myself/the things i enjoy.
3.31.2007
fragile.
on an online dictionary it is described as anything that can be easily shattered or something delicate. on the other end of the spectrum, it is described as something lacking substance or flimsy even.
it is an interesting range to see. on one end you have something like an eggshell, so pure in sight and gentle to touch that it seems if you even say the word you may break the eggshell. on the other end, its critical. its weak in effect. a less desirable fragile. even so, saying "fragile" in both circumstances carries this huge weight, a gravitational field of its own.
i am fragile, whether i want to be or not. whether you choose to see it in me or not. whether i show it or not. i feel like words and actions affect me more than they used to and that is either a sign of me growing up or my fragility becoming more prominent. it is a deterioration of passion and excitement for certain things. i watch it crumble, helpless to the pieces that scatter away. i don't know what is right any more because it feels like each thing i do or say is wrong.
it is just a phase.
everyone goes through it.
you are just bored.
get over yourself.
on an online dictionary it is described as anything that can be easily shattered or something delicate. on the other end of the spectrum, it is described as something lacking substance or flimsy even.
it is an interesting range to see. on one end you have something like an eggshell, so pure in sight and gentle to touch that it seems if you even say the word you may break the eggshell. on the other end, its critical. its weak in effect. a less desirable fragile. even so, saying "fragile" in both circumstances carries this huge weight, a gravitational field of its own.
i am fragile, whether i want to be or not. whether you choose to see it in me or not. whether i show it or not. i feel like words and actions affect me more than they used to and that is either a sign of me growing up or my fragility becoming more prominent. it is a deterioration of passion and excitement for certain things. i watch it crumble, helpless to the pieces that scatter away. i don't know what is right any more because it feels like each thing i do or say is wrong.
it is just a phase.
everyone goes through it.
you are just bored.
get over yourself.
3.26.2007
do you know one of the greatest sounds in the world? the flipping and flopping of sandals. its a promising sound. spring is on the way, warmth is anticipated. or, if you are conditioned as i am and live in a dorm, it means you are going to be or have just become clean. no matter how you look at it, flip flops flip flopping is a sweet melody.
lately i have been over-accepting of distractions. what i really need is to focus and sort things out. but when a new thought comes around, i embrace it and turn some of my attention towards it, while keeping some attention on what i "should" be doing. for instance, i need to study econ. but, i am extremely excited for pirates 3 to come out so i put pirates 1 in to watch while i study. and now, i have decided i need to blog so i have my econ book poised on the couch, johnny depp wandering into a mass of ex-crewmen, and my wonderful lappy glowing in front of me. and now i look to the side and contemplate re-reading a bloc party article that was simply marvelous.
welcome to the past 2 months of my life.
the problem is, my focus is being stretched waaaaaaay too thin. my mind is spinning and i can't reach a conclusion to save my life. i have been wondering so much about people (what they are doing, what they are thinking, what they are saying), schools (what i should be paying attention to, how significant distance is), music (what i really feel like listening to, why i can't retain info about it better), and numerous other things.
so...what now?
lately i have been over-accepting of distractions. what i really need is to focus and sort things out. but when a new thought comes around, i embrace it and turn some of my attention towards it, while keeping some attention on what i "should" be doing. for instance, i need to study econ. but, i am extremely excited for pirates 3 to come out so i put pirates 1 in to watch while i study. and now, i have decided i need to blog so i have my econ book poised on the couch, johnny depp wandering into a mass of ex-crewmen, and my wonderful lappy glowing in front of me. and now i look to the side and contemplate re-reading a bloc party article that was simply marvelous.
welcome to the past 2 months of my life.
the problem is, my focus is being stretched waaaaaaay too thin. my mind is spinning and i can't reach a conclusion to save my life. i have been wondering so much about people (what they are doing, what they are thinking, what they are saying), schools (what i should be paying attention to, how significant distance is), music (what i really feel like listening to, why i can't retain info about it better), and numerous other things.
so...what now?
3.15.2007
i don't know how to start this blog. and ironically, i just did.
i have been a self-proclaimed mess for the past month. the giant "piss off" sign stamped on my forehead sears itself deeper and deeper into my skin. my veins feel as though the blood has achieved the density of lead, but i still bleed easily. and the heaviness and emptiness i feel are only two of the emotions that juxtapose one another. i shouldn't be feeling so many things at once. its overwhelming and makes it very difficult to sort myself out.
perhaps i have been searching for answers in all the wrong places. i look in my black coffee every morning and see my reflection. it never changes. but i look and drink anyways, because i think that it makes me feel better. i enjoy coffee too much to get rid of it, but i don't think it holds any answers for me. unfortunately. but what the hell, i'll just keep drinking it anyways. bring on the caffiene!
i have never wanted to leave somewhere so badly. i have never felt so much anger towards a place in my life. well, maybe almost never. elementary school was awful, but this is a different, hopefully more mature anger. i am so sick of here. i won't elaborate much, in fear of saying something i may regret. but my censors have sort of turned off lately, and i have been saying and showing how genuinely mad and confused i am.
i want answers. i want answers so much that it hurts.
i have been a self-proclaimed mess for the past month. the giant "piss off" sign stamped on my forehead sears itself deeper and deeper into my skin. my veins feel as though the blood has achieved the density of lead, but i still bleed easily. and the heaviness and emptiness i feel are only two of the emotions that juxtapose one another. i shouldn't be feeling so many things at once. its overwhelming and makes it very difficult to sort myself out.
perhaps i have been searching for answers in all the wrong places. i look in my black coffee every morning and see my reflection. it never changes. but i look and drink anyways, because i think that it makes me feel better. i enjoy coffee too much to get rid of it, but i don't think it holds any answers for me. unfortunately. but what the hell, i'll just keep drinking it anyways. bring on the caffiene!
i have never wanted to leave somewhere so badly. i have never felt so much anger towards a place in my life. well, maybe almost never. elementary school was awful, but this is a different, hopefully more mature anger. i am so sick of here. i won't elaborate much, in fear of saying something i may regret. but my censors have sort of turned off lately, and i have been saying and showing how genuinely mad and confused i am.
i want answers. i want answers so much that it hurts.
2.04.2007
i reek of coffee. it may be because my caffiene intake has increased dramatically and i now have an unbalanced amount of coffee in my bloodstream and potentially pores. or it could be that i just spent two hours in a coffee shop and the face-numbing gusts of air couldn't blow the scent off of me. or it could be a combo of the two. either way, i am perfumed with the scent of java.
i have to keep re-centering myself. i get on track and then sort of fall off the beaten path. and the road that should be less travelled is slowly becoming paved. and my journal bleeds with black ink from those fabulous pilot g-2 07 pens.
"...i want to be expressive without wearing my emotions on my sleeve. i want to be confidant but humble. i want to prove myself to myself and the world without needing to prove anything at all. i want a pair of red chucks and some sexy stillhettos. i want to drink as much coffee as i want without freaking out my central nervous system. i want to be cool without caring what other people think of me. i want to be unique without knowing it or trying too hard. because then, what's the point?"
all that i keep thinking througout this whole flight is it could take me my whole damn life to make this right. this splintered mast i'm holding won't save me long, because i know fine well that what i did was wrong.
...and i don't kow where to look. my words just break and melt...
i have to keep re-centering myself. i get on track and then sort of fall off the beaten path. and the road that should be less travelled is slowly becoming paved. and my journal bleeds with black ink from those fabulous pilot g-2 07 pens.
"...i want to be expressive without wearing my emotions on my sleeve. i want to be confidant but humble. i want to prove myself to myself and the world without needing to prove anything at all. i want a pair of red chucks and some sexy stillhettos. i want to drink as much coffee as i want without freaking out my central nervous system. i want to be cool without caring what other people think of me. i want to be unique without knowing it or trying too hard. because then, what's the point?"
all that i keep thinking througout this whole flight is it could take me my whole damn life to make this right. this splintered mast i'm holding won't save me long, because i know fine well that what i did was wrong.
...and i don't kow where to look. my words just break and melt...
1.23.2007
its snowing again. every thought being thought is floating from above and collecting on the ground, waiting to either be melted, flattened, looked at, or molded into something. i look at the white ground and think, "wow, look at all those ideas. all that potential that is just being looked at, like i am now. how can i tap into those new thoughts and do something about it? i'm sick of being a passive hypocrite." there's just something about snow...as lame as it sounds, and yes you can accuse me of quoting gilmore girls but i am in full concurrence with this statement and its truly coming from my own mouth, snow is magical. people say they hate snow and winter, but i don't think a person can honestly say they haven't felt something wonderful when it snows. those first flakes, the ones that frost your clothes and hair, there is something to those. its just...amazing.
today marks the end of my 3 day coffee sabbatical and my first day of silence, seeing as the giant white spots that decorated the back of my throat like a giant canvas (nice picture, i know. i apologize. i could delve deeper, but i will save you the anguish) are disappearing and taking my voice with them. on the plus side, i don't feel like i'm going to die any more and have conditioned myself to almost not be afraid of swallowing. and i vow to eat more than 500 calories today.
i have become a collection of habits. i have a habit of walking slightly pidgeoned-toed and not in a straight line. i have a habit of drinking coffee everyday. i have a habit of eating a disgusting amount of turkey wraps and/or sandwiches every week. i have a habit of ignoring the most important topics of a lecture. i have a habit of finding something wrong with everything i do. i have a habit of wearing my beloved checkered shoes when it is most inappropriate. i have a habit of being seriously motivated, but not motivated enough to do the little things. i have a habit of being standoffish. i have a habit of looking like i'm listening.
i cannot admit to being proud of some of my habits and i cannot admit i am pleased to see i have become a collection of them. i worry if i have become to mundane and structured. i fear being bored and boring and i fear that you will dismiss me because i have become just that.
today marks the end of my 3 day coffee sabbatical and my first day of silence, seeing as the giant white spots that decorated the back of my throat like a giant canvas (nice picture, i know. i apologize. i could delve deeper, but i will save you the anguish) are disappearing and taking my voice with them. on the plus side, i don't feel like i'm going to die any more and have conditioned myself to almost not be afraid of swallowing. and i vow to eat more than 500 calories today.
i have become a collection of habits. i have a habit of walking slightly pidgeoned-toed and not in a straight line. i have a habit of drinking coffee everyday. i have a habit of eating a disgusting amount of turkey wraps and/or sandwiches every week. i have a habit of ignoring the most important topics of a lecture. i have a habit of finding something wrong with everything i do. i have a habit of wearing my beloved checkered shoes when it is most inappropriate. i have a habit of being seriously motivated, but not motivated enough to do the little things. i have a habit of being standoffish. i have a habit of looking like i'm listening.
i cannot admit to being proud of some of my habits and i cannot admit i am pleased to see i have become a collection of them. i worry if i have become to mundane and structured. i fear being bored and boring and i fear that you will dismiss me because i have become just that.
12.31.2006
(Please don't go crazy, if I tell you the truth. No you don't know what happened
And you never will if You don't listen to me while I talk to the wall...)
this week has been a difficult one, for reasons i cannot comprehend nor communicate. i went and sat in a coffee shop today, completely overstaying my welcome. i saw the breakfast and lunch crowd, and the table just to my left had 3 different groups of tenants, all which i think were afraid i was writing nasty things about them in my journal. i must have had a giant "ef you" sign stamped on my forehead or glowing above myself. perhaps it was scrawled on the edge of the table. anyways, i got some strange looks. and you know what, that's probably what i was feeling. this morning was filled of figuring things out and i sort of just needed to shut everyone out. not that sitting in the back of the shop with my back facing the majority of the world wasn't enough of a hint already.
(You've not heard a single word I have said...Oh, my God)
i think i have inadvertently stopped *listening*. to a lot of things. people. television. just things in general. i am not really sure what i pay attention to any more. i guess i do listen to music, but that's kind of an always thing. i've expressed more of an interest in writing/telling than actually listening. ummmm...yeah.
(It seems I've stepped over lines You've drawn again and again, But if the ecstacy's in the wit is definitely out. Dr. Jekyll is wrestling Hyde for my pride)
pardon my lack of a conclusion, as i have been feeling a little inconclusive as of la
And you never will if You don't listen to me while I talk to the wall...)
this week has been a difficult one, for reasons i cannot comprehend nor communicate. i went and sat in a coffee shop today, completely overstaying my welcome. i saw the breakfast and lunch crowd, and the table just to my left had 3 different groups of tenants, all which i think were afraid i was writing nasty things about them in my journal. i must have had a giant "ef you" sign stamped on my forehead or glowing above myself. perhaps it was scrawled on the edge of the table. anyways, i got some strange looks. and you know what, that's probably what i was feeling. this morning was filled of figuring things out and i sort of just needed to shut everyone out. not that sitting in the back of the shop with my back facing the majority of the world wasn't enough of a hint already.
(You've not heard a single word I have said...Oh, my God)
i think i have inadvertently stopped *listening*. to a lot of things. people. television. just things in general. i am not really sure what i pay attention to any more. i guess i do listen to music, but that's kind of an always thing. i've expressed more of an interest in writing/telling than actually listening. ummmm...yeah.
(It seems I've stepped over lines You've drawn again and again, But if the ecstacy's in the wit is definitely out. Dr. Jekyll is wrestling Hyde for my pride)
pardon my lack of a conclusion, as i have been feeling a little inconclusive as of la
